Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
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