you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
