If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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