I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
