can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
