A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Randomize
