So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
