she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
