the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
