Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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