My cat gives me a boner
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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