batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
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