fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I woke up under a house in Key West
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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