drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
