I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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