I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
