The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
