Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
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