I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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