Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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