walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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