nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
