Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
