So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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