She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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