so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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