If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Randomize
