I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
