Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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