I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
