I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
