So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
