I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
