Say something about gay babies.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
