Little spoons don't ask big questions
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
