I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
PANTIES FOUND
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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