life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
