So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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