You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
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