My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
