why didn't you poke me back
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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