She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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