At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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