i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
