I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
