We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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