I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
