A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
