I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
