I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
