yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Randomize
