Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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