i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
It's blow job season.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Randomize
