I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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