I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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