Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
