Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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